Angelica Marie

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/eepitsasian

Based on your current goals and aspirations, what do you expect from your near and distant future? (i.e. graduate school, career, marriage, family, place of residence, etc.)

Well, this is my last semester at Northwest Vista! I will be graduating with an associates degree in “Multimedia Specialist” I still have no idea what the actual degree is in. After that, I plan to transfer to either UNT, UT, or TX State. So far I’m leaning 90% towards UNT. If this is the case, I see myself majoring in RTF with a minor in journalism. Hopefully I’ll be able to have a job in the web/video/design field, but if that doesn’t happen I’ll just do a work study job with the school. Next fall not only will I be relocating, I will also be living on my own for the first time. This means complete freedom and the only person I will have to be taking care of is myself. This is VERY exciting. When it comes to marriage, I can’t see it at all in my plans for the next 2-3 years which is basically the time span I’ve given myself when it comes to setting goals. I hope to find maybe a “college sweetheart”, but if that doesn’t happen it’s okay! I just hope everything works out for the best and that I’ll be able to keep climbing to the top.

Ask me anything

especially through any type of blog/social networking site, but sometimes you just need to get it out. I don’t have a journal and I hate writing by hand so here it goes:

Most of the time, I feel really alone. I guess I’ve always felt this way and for the most part I choose to be by myself. Whenever I go out, I usually have a great time with my awesome friends, but other times I feel like I’m not even completely there mentally. Something like an out-of-body experience… Regardless, I don’t let these feelings consume my life.

Ever since my parents got a divorce at the end of my 6th grade year things have been a constant roller coaster. Heck, for a couple years after the divorce it was a free fall that never seemed to end. I didn’t have enough oxygen or energy to continue screaming as we plummeted towards the bottom. I hate to think of myself as some angsty teenager! I refuse to be some statistic of the outcome of children who go through divorce, but as I’m starting to notice.. its inevitable.

Granted, I do not blame my life decisions/mistakes on the divorce. I have always been a firm believer that YOU, yourself, are given free will. It’s the nature vs nurture argument. The divorce definitely did create a little leeway for troublesome behavior that would have otherwise been stopped or avoided. My wild behavior stemmed from not having two parents to keep an eye on me and appropriately punish me for the lying, stealing, and partying. In fact, I’m sure both my parents are unaware of the situations I had put myself in as a teenager. Once again, these decisions were mine and mine alone.

The whole reason I started writing this post is because the only time I ever have my feelings hurt, or the only time I cry is because of my mother. I can’t say that she is a horrible person because she has gone through a domestic abuse ordeal since the divorce with my father. The whole domestic abuse problem has basically been put out, but there is still a lot of problems she has to deal with because of my sisters’ father. For years I have tried to figure this out, come up with a plan, but in the end, my mother is a grown woman and has to think about the future of my younger sisters.

I try to be there for the girls. I love them more than life itself and I don’t think I have ever experienced love for a family member as much as I feel for them. I mean, I don’t hug or kiss my mother, father, or brother. It’s been like that ever since I was younger. Remember that disconnected feeling I was talking about? Well it’s throughout many aspects of my life and it started with my family. I see the potential problems my sisters will have to face throughout their life. I want them to feel that they do have someone who loves them so much that they would do anything for them. Children are not only supported by money, but mainly through love and support of family members to teach them wrong from right.

I’m really afraid that my mother can’t be that role model for them. She is constantly yelling and putting people down. She needs to learn how to control this! I’ll be gone in 8 months and I have no idea how things will turn out. I’m the one cooking dinner, playing with them, helping them with homework and then here comes my mom, home from work yelling and cursing up a storm. Of course, shes not always like that, but 90% of the time that’s how she greets her family…

I completely disagree with her horrible attitude and the behavior she shows the children. Genevie and Maia are going to think its okay to yell and curse whenever you’re angry. They may even pick up the low blow insults my mother tends to throw at my brother and myself. I don’t want to portray my mother as some horrible witch because that’s not the case. My problem is that when I think of my mom, bad memories are the ones that come rushing in.

So, this entry is a mess of gibber jabber and ranting but I just want to say that I hope you mothers out there love and cherish your children. They’re a miracle and bring so much happiness in a world full of ugliness. Even when your kids do grow up and start getting into trouble, you need to be the person to guide them. There is no other love of that between a mother and her child. So be the rock because when you’re old and helpless, your kids are the ones who are going to take care of you. Or.. throw you in a nursing home to rot. REMEMBER!

PS: I love my friends, thanks for always being there for me…

What is this for? Your own FAQ?

Another way for me to document my life. I have no idea who will ask me questions through here. I’m hoping that people will use this to ask questions that I may have never thought of. Not only does it help others to get to know me, but it helps me to get to know myself as well. One day, maybe a month or a year from now, I’ll look back at my answer and see if it’s still the same, or perhaps how much differently I would answer during that period of time.

Ask me anything

do you ever think you are not critical enough of yourself?

I’m not necessarily sure how to respond to this. I would think that I am ridiculously critical of myself and often consider it to be a minor flaw. I wonder what I do to portray myself in such a manner…

Ask me anything

why dont you move to portland?!

No particular reason. I never really considered living there and I’m pretty sure it gets a little colder than I would like up there. Texas doesn’t have cold winters, but its cold enough to me! I want to live closer to the beach or somewhere that is predominantly warm!

Ask me anything

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/eepitsasian

e-mail me out of the blue asking for my shoulder to cry on or my helping hand. Six months ago, I would have been happy to be there for you as a friend, but you wanted so much more. Sometimes I want to apologize for being the way I am. It’s not my fault that I lack empathy, that’s simply the way the world has made me. I just don’t see the point in faking an emotion or feelings for some one when I truly don’t. Perhaps it is one of my downfalls… or maybe it’s because I’m logical and tend to look at the bigger picture. It makes me so angry and frustrated that you are unable to accept my honesty. You won’t even appreciate it. I’ve always been straight up because I’ve realized in the past that it’s the only way to go on about life. People come and go. You’ll fall in love, you’ll get hurt, and sometimes you’ll be alone. In my experiences, it’s when I’m completely alone and with out any distraction that I can truly find myself. Life is really hard and you need support but I can not be there to hold your hand through problems that the world throws in your direction.

Instead of focusing your energy and time on me, you should open your eyes at the people in your life who are practically begging to help you. Not once has promiscuity, drinking, or smoking helped anyone get to the point in their life where they can say they are truly content. In fact, those substances, or those one night stands are the things that will continue to hold you back and dig a deeper hole for yourself. So it’s up to you… continue the path you’re on and end up laying in the bed you have made for yourself, or you can take a second and realize what your’e doing and try to figure out how you can bury that hole and get out alive. It’s time to be a man, so get out there and leave me alone. Geez.